Toxic, toxic family!

You know when people say "Family is family and no matter what, you should always be there for them?" Or how about "Blood is thicker than water?" Or "You only have one family, forgive and forget?" Well, I beg to differ with them. If your family member is toxic and causes you grief, heartache and drama, I ask, why should anyone have to put up with that?

I had a very hard life, with twists and turns, stuff that was done to me that should never happen to anyone, stuff I've done that I am not proud of, fell down & picked myself up, and kept moving forward. Almost too much to bear and now at this stage of my life, I am not willing to suffer any longer at the hands of others. What happens to me or how I feel now, is all up to me. If I don't like the way I am feeling, I make the changes to feel differently, not anyone else.

Setting Healthy Boundaries

I think many of us need to set boundaries, at least once in our lives. I see posts on Facebook that read something like this: "Share if you will always stand by your loved one, no matter what." Or "I will always be by your side. Share if you agree." 

I pretty much tend to disagree with these posts, as no one should feel obligated to stand by someone if that person makes them feel uncomfortable in a relationship (whether it be a spouse, your child, your parents, etc.) or feel abused or unloved, no matter who they are. Blood is not always thicker than water. 

Like any new skill, assertively communicating your boundaries takes practice.  If you need to set a boundary with a friend, co-worker or loved one, start with a small boundary that isn't threatening to you. Slowly increase to more challenging boundaries so, as not to overwhelm yourself with guilt, sadness or fear.

A Broken Household!

It was the beginning of 1969, when I changed schools again for the second time, in less than two years. It was the middle of 5th grade and now I was attending Crenshaw Elementary School in Torrance. I finished out the 5th grade at that new school. I made new friends and had a very best friend named Lori Thurber. She lived on our street and we spent the night at each others house all the time.

During the summer following 5th grade, something was different and weird in our house. My mom and Ben were not talking to each other and he wasn't there much. He stayed out late and maybe never came home at night or until early morning. When she would cook dinner and serve it to him, without saying a word, he would get up and dump all the food into the trash can. She wouldn't say a word to him. I had no idea what was going on, but it was scary and weird.

Before I knew it, we were moving again, after living there for only about 7 months!! This time with only me, my sister and mom! We moved about 1-2 miles away, still in Torrance, but on 170th street, directly across from Carr Elementary School. This is where I began the 6th grade. We were happy in our new apartment, even though it was only a one bedroom. The room was big enough to fit a full size bed for my mom and two twin beds for me and my sister. No more walking on eggshells, no more arguing, no more sexual molestation by Ben, we were doing good. I was adjusting to my school and meeting new friends, once again. My sister was attending North High school (9th grade) and everything was going smoothly, until we started seeing Ben again. He eventually moved back in and that's when all the shit hit the fan.


The sexual abuse worsened, getting put on restriction by him, his spying, and his strictness and controlling us was insane. This wasn't going to last long, four people living and sleeping in a one bedroom apartment. We lived there for one year, while I attended 6th grade at Carr Elementary. So off we go, moving again. This time to the ghetto, Hawthorne, CA. I started 7th grade at Yukon Intermediate School and the trouble started from there.

Money means more!!

It was 1970 and I was 12 years old. We lived on the 13600 block of Lemoli Ave in Hawthorne, CA.

There was my mom, step dad, (Benny Allen Kirkland) and my sister. We moved here from a one bedroom apartment in Torrance, CA. (To learn why we all lived in a one bedroom apartment, follow this link, "A broken Household" ) to a 3 bedroom court type of house. My sister didn't live there long, as she became pregnant at age 16 and moved away.

Here we were at age 15 and 12. This was just about one year before my sister became pregnant and a little over a year before she got married and left our house.

I suppose the reason my sister got pregnant at such a young age, was to get away from our sexually and emotionally abusive, step dad. We never talked about it, but I figured it out later on in life.

I hated everything about my life. I hated living in the ghetto. I hated the way I looked. I hated living with our step dad. I hated moving again and hated the way I felt around my step dad Ben. It wasn't until this age that I realized what Ben had been doing was wrong and sexual toward me, even though it made me feel uncomfortable and weird. I decided one day to gather up enough courage to tell my mom that he had been making me feel very uncomfortable in sexual ways and that I didn't want him to continue.

I remember walking into the kitchen where she was cooking at the stove. I remember the washing machine was in the kitchen next to the stove. I walked up to the washer and stood next to her. I told her that I wanted to talk to her about something. I said that Ben had been doing things to me that wasn't right and I wanted him to stop. She asked what kind of things. I told her touching me in my crotch. She turned to me and said, "I don't believe you!" This is the exact moment that I know, I lost all trust, what little I ever had, in my mom or anyone. I was lost, numb, hurt, angry and confused. I didn't have anyone on this earth to protect me, but her. My sister was gone, my dad wasn't present in my life, I had no relatives, they were all in Japan. No grandparents, no aunts or uncles, no cousins, no friends, no adult figures that I could turn to for help. I only had my mom and she just turned her back on me. Money meant more to her than protecting me. She didn't want to leave him and have to support me by herself. After all, she had just been out on her own raising two daughters by herself a couple years before this and I guess she didn't like it.

Here is my mother and me just before I decided to tell her about my step dad. I was a strong kid, with strong emotions and a strong personality. I suppose that is why my mother never paid me no mind. It had always been that way all of my life. By her not leaving him to protect me, was kind of the same feelings I had always gotten from her. Me or my feelings didn't mean much!!

Bitter wife, bitter ex, bitter life!!...... Part 2

Back in about 1984, just after our second daughter was born, I was living with my husband, not happily, but married nonetheless. We had, had much trouble in our marriage, (as documented in Part 1) and had been married for about 4 years, with two daughters.

We lived in Lakewood and I became friends with our mail carrier. (I know, I know) He was very nice and we talked almost on a regular basis. I worked hours at work that I would come home around noon, so there was always a chance that I would be home when he delivered our mail. I remember a bitter cold, rainy, stormy day and he was drenched and shivering. I knew he would be soaking wet when he came by and I made him a cup of hot chocolate. When he came, I offered it to him and he gladly accepted. We talked as he stood on the porch, dripping wet and we talked for quite some time. We talked personal stuff as he had been experiencing difficulties in his marriage as well. (at least that's what he told me) As the days went on, we talked. We exchanged phone numbers as offerings of communication, when we were going through difficult times with our spouses. His wife found my number on a piece of paper and called my husband. She asked him if he knew that I was having an affair behind his back, etc. etc. We really weren't, but that's what she told him. He confronted me and I tried to explain that it was a friendship, but he didn't buy it. Well, at least he said that he didn't. This started the bitterness between me and my carriers wife. Her because she thought we were having an affair and me because she called my husband to tell him about what, she thought was going on.

We remained friends and talked each other through hard times, fighting, drinking, etc. He eventually told me that he left his wife and moved into his moms house. She lived nearby and had extra rooms, as she lived alone. He lived in a room in the back of her house. We continued to talk and the bitterness between my husband and I grew. Every time I went to the store or anywhere, he would question me. I was not having an affair!! Lew called the broker/real estate man that sold us our house and told him that we didn't want it anymore and couldn't keep it. We owed way more for it, than it was worth. He told him that if he didn't take it back, that we were going to walk away from it, so all papers were signed for him to take over the house. (lucky us) We decided to separate and I moved and got an apartment with my two girls in Huntington Beach, CA.

As I lived in Huntington Beach, CA with my two daughters, Lew would visit and we would go out, occasionally. I guess you could say, we were seeing if things would or could still work out between us. He started dating (openly) a few different women from our work. (trashy, I may add) In the meantime, I was also talking to my ex-mail carrier, as he was separated from his wife and getting a divorce. (so he told me) As my husband was deciding that he didn't want to try and reconcile, I too was deciding that I felt more for my friend/mail carrier than I had thought. My husband filed for divorce from me and we decided amicably, all the details of our divorce. My husband was to pick the girls up every weekend, but that proved too much for his dating life, so it became less and less. He asked to take them on vacation to Ohio to visit with his family and I agreed.

He took them for a week and this is when he met up with Sharon, someone he knew in Jr. high school. They went on a date and the rest was history. He spent the whole week with her and my girls stayed with their grandma Clay. Nice vacation for them, they thought they were spending a week with their dad!! No such luck!

We definitely were not getting back together this time. I thought for moments that we could make it work and then there were times that I knew we couldn't. I was now dating Charlie, my ex-carrier. I thought and felt that we were exclusive, but was I in for the shock of my life! This is where my bitterness came in toward him.

I had talked with his mom on occasion when I called her house to speak with him. She informed me that she was so upset as she was just informed that her son, Charlie and his wife were expecting a baby. They both knocked on her door and when she came to the front door, they both told her. She said she was so mad, as they were separated and he was living with her. He moved back into his place with his wife and that was that. When I did speak with him, he professed his misery and stated to me that he didn't want to stay and that all this was the biggest mistake that could happen. He again, moved out and to his mom's house. We would see each other on occasion and he professed his love to me. He told me that they were continuing with their divorce even though she was pregnant, I believed him. I know it was wrong and if I could ever turn back time, I would. This would have never happened. I can look back now and just cringe. She eventually gave birth to a boy and was planning on raising him by herself. (Mind you, all of this is what I was told, as I never spoke with her directly to get her side of the story.) As a result of our love for each other, I became pregnant also. We were together throughout my pregnancy and I gave birth to our daughter, Michelle Leigh on Sept. 5th, 1986.

We moved into a house in Lakewood and his older son, by a previous marriage, came to live with us. He eventually divorced (finalized it) but nothing was ever right or was it ever, bitter free. She never forgave him and made his life a living hell for as long as she could. We all felt bitter. I felt bitter toward him and her, she felt bitter toward me and him, and he felt bitter toward both of us. I think because he didn't handle the situation properly from the start, we both felt that he wasn't truthful to either one of us. She felt betrayed by him as he was lying to her and I felt betrayed by him as he wasn't truthful to me either.

Here is a picture of him and I with 3 of our 5 kids. Missing was his son Andre' and our daughter, Michelle. We were dropping my two oldest off to their dad in San Francisco.


This was all such a terrible time in all of our lives. If it were to be done all over again, it would've been done very differently.

Bitter wife, bitter ex, bitter life!!

First, I will detail the marriage and why I was so miserable in that marriage. I knew that my husband was VERY dysfunctional when I married him, as was I, thus being the reason I married him. He was an alcoholic, a cigarette smoker, a cheater, a liar, very charismatic and had very low self esteem. All the same characteristics as my father. (why of course, let's pick a man just like him) He was very funny and friendly and was liked by all. People seemed to be drawn to him, as was I!! Lewis L. Norris, Jr, our wedding day, January 6th, 1980.

I was 7 months pregnant and really never thought about getting married, but he came to me one day and said, "we're getting married on Jan. 6th!" Part of me wanted to say, "no, we're not," and part of me was excited to get married. Young and stupid on my part. I was 21 yrs old, getting ready to turn 22. I came from a family where I NEVER had a loving father figure, so this meant that I was wanted and loved for once in my life! Kidding, of course, but that's what it felt like. He showered me with kindness and love. That's one thing he was, was very loving to me. He bought me things all the time and gave me compliments. I never had that, in my whole life! So here I thought, maybe I could overlook the drinking and whatever else I didn't like and didn't care for? Hmmm. Wrong!!

As our marriage progressed, we had our daughter, we bought a house, etc, he would do these few things that I hated. He would tell me, "it's boys weekend out, this weekend!" What? What does that mean? Oh, that meant he and his guy friends would go to Vegas or a weekend fishing trip or something similar. That meant that wives/girlfriends weren't invited to go. I hated that, it didn't feel right, but what could I do?

Me and our first daughter, Melissa Nicole, born Feb. 18th, 1980.

He quit drinking a few times during our marriage but always started up again. I remember he hadn't had any alcohol for over a year and came home from fishing one day and told me that he had some beers. I was devastated and didn't believe him, but it was true. After all, he was a raging alcoholic.

As time went on, I didn't realize what his "incidents" were doing to me and my happiness (or my perceived happiness). I  thought you were to just accept the bad with the good, after all, what else did I know? "Till death do us part?" I was raised around a father that was a raging alcoholic and a wife abuser and stepfather that drank, verbally and emotionally abused my mother, my sister and I and was a child molester. Me and my poor sister were sexually molested by our step father, time and time again! Misery is what we looked for in our relationships!

When I look back now, some 34 years later, I see a confused woman that didn't know her marriage was over emotionally and that the bond between husband and wife had been severed. What would cause our marriage to be severed? Well, let me tell you.....I wasn't aware at the time, but now it is clear.

I was at work one day, we both worked together, in the same office at that time. It was at the USPS and we handled mail, at times. I picked the mail up from our office to go "mail" it. Mailing it there at the USPS, meant walking over to a letter case, and putting the mail in the slots they belonged in. When I was placing one letter into the case, I noticed a letter that was already in the case, but VERY familiar hand writing on it. As I took a closer look, it was my husbands writing. WHAT?? It was addressed to a private address and to a woman named Suzy Boujeau (sp?) What?......I took the letter from the case, which I could have gotten fired for, and I opened it and read it. It changed me and my feelings forever. I couldn't see straight, I felt numb and I felt like passing out. I went home sick.

He called me at home and asked where I went. This led to us separating and almost divorcing.

So....back up a few months prior to this incident. His brother Bill and his wife Claudia came out to visit us. While they were here, we took a trip to Lake Tahoe, CA. I worked Mo-Fr and he worked Tu-Sa. So we were gone for the weekend and I had to fly back Sunday night to go to work on Monday morning. He told me that he would be driving home some time during the day on Monday to be back for work on Tuesday. Monday came and went and he never came home. I tried reaching him, to no avail. I felt that it was safe because he was with his brother and sister-in-law. I really didn't give it much thought at all. They finally came home sometime on Tue, with no explanation, except, they wanted to stay a little longer and gamble.

So, this is where Suzy Boujeau lived, up in Truckee, CA about 17 miles from Lake Tahoe!! That is the address that was on the "letter," Truckee, CA. That is why he didn't come home, he was with her! That is why we took a trip to Lake Tahoe, so he could go see her!! This was all a plan. His visit with her is what prompted the "letter" professing his love to her. "Suzy, I want to be with the woman that I truly love!" is what part of the letter said. My heart was broken. It all made sense of why they took an extra day to get home. I didn't know she lived there until I found the "letter!" I want out! NOW!!!

So we separated for awhile, he got his own place in Long Beach, CA. He was supposed to fly up to see her to see if he wanted to be with her. I didn't talk to him the whole weekend that he was supposed to be up there. He called, he said he didn't go and that he decided that he wanted to make it work between us. Oh, the relief I felt!! He chose me and Melissa! Yippee! Surely that proves his love for me and Melissa. After all, he had a chance to go be with Suzy and he didn't!! (She probably wouldn't leave her husband and here, I was thinking he chose me!) Stupid, stupid me. I should have ran as fast as I could at that point, but I didn't.

We had another daughter, Ashley Danielle on July 3rd, 1983. 

Our marriage quickly started to unravel shortly after the birth of Ashley. This is when he started drinking again, after not drinking for a little over a year. I had decided that I didn't want that kind of a life for my daughters. A miserable life of alcohol and cheating. I checked out.

To be cont......another blog, another time.

Dysfunctions Full Throttle

All the years of counseling and therapy, won't cure you of all the deep down, embedded dysfunctions that shaped you, your personality and the way you interact with the ones you are closest with. Over 29 years of therapy for me and, in an instant, I can go back 50 years and feel 6 all over again.

At that moment, I feel the need to scream, leave, put ear plugs in or just plain drift away to another planet. I need silence to get away from that point and time. The last thing needed is to hear more, or explanations of why what's said, is said. No explanations needed, that doesn't help, I've already heard it and I've already gone to THAT place and time.

Maybe I do need even more therapy, counseling, EMDR, hypnosis, whatever. Just STOP!!!!

SUPPORT your children, no matter what?

Where is the line drawn? Is it endless support, financially and emotionally because they are our children? Do you love them regardless of how they treat you?


I am a very firm believer that blood is NOT thicker than water. I can't and won't let people stay in my life, that suck the life out of me or cause me stress and anxiety, no matter who they are.

Kids are affected by their childhood. They grow up to be a product of their circumstances, unless they choose to make a change for the better. Good or bad, they follow the path that they are used to. They can be happy, well adjusted adults or they can be miserable and blame their childhood and their parents. It's their choice.

As a parent, you try to guide them in the right direction. You do the very best that you can. You lead by example, not by words! You teach them the necessary tools that they need to make it, on their own. You try to balance the good and the bad. But in the end, as adults, they need to take their knowledge and experience to achieve their own happiness. We can't make them happy now! It's now up to them to control their destiny. We can't continue to coddle them as if they are still children, but when we don't, we are blamed for NOT caring, NOT supporting, and to some, that means NOT loving them.

So do you continue to support your children? Or do you change the direction, that you have always followed, so that they can make their decisions to support themselves, mentally, physically, and emotionally? Keep on the same path that they are used to or change the direction, for them to grow into their own selves?