Bitter wife, bitter ex, bitter life!!...... Part 2

Back in about 1984, just after our second daughter was born, I was living with my husband, not happily, but married nonetheless. We had, had much trouble in our marriage, (as documented in Part 1) and had been married for about 4 years, with two daughters.

We lived in Lakewood and I became friends with our mail carrier. (I know, I know) He was very nice and we talked almost on a regular basis. I worked hours at work that I would come home around noon, so there was always a chance that I would be home when he delivered our mail. I remember a bitter cold, rainy, stormy day and he was drenched and shivering. I knew he would be soaking wet when he came by and I made him a cup of hot chocolate. When he came, I offered it to him and he gladly accepted. We talked as he stood on the porch, dripping wet and we talked for quite some time. We talked personal stuff as he had been experiencing difficulties in his marriage as well. (at least that's what he told me) As the days went on, we talked. We exchanged phone numbers as offerings of communication, when we were going through difficult times with our spouses. His wife found my number on a piece of paper and called my husband. She asked him if he knew that I was having an affair behind his back, etc. etc. We really weren't, but that's what she told him. He confronted me and I tried to explain that it was a friendship, but he didn't buy it. Well, at least he said that he didn't. This started the bitterness between me and my carriers wife. Her because she thought we were having an affair and me because she called my husband to tell him about what, she thought was going on.

We remained friends and talked each other through hard times, fighting, drinking, etc. He eventually told me that he left his wife and moved into his moms house. She lived nearby and had extra rooms, as she lived alone. He lived in a room in the back of her house. We continued to talk and the bitterness between my husband and I grew. Every time I went to the store or anywhere, he would question me. I was not having an affair!! Lew called the broker/real estate man that sold us our house and told him that we didn't want it anymore and couldn't keep it. We owed way more for it, than it was worth. He told him that if he didn't take it back, that we were going to walk away from it, so all papers were signed for him to take over the house. (lucky us) We decided to separate and I moved and got an apartment with my two girls in Huntington Beach, CA.

As I lived in Huntington Beach, CA with my two daughters, Lew would visit and we would go out, occasionally. I guess you could say, we were seeing if things would or could still work out between us. He started dating (openly) a few different women from our work. (trashy, I may add) In the meantime, I was also talking to my ex-mail carrier, as he was separated from his wife and getting a divorce. (so he told me) As my husband was deciding that he didn't want to try and reconcile, I too was deciding that I felt more for my friend/mail carrier than I had thought. My husband filed for divorce from me and we decided amicably, all the details of our divorce. My husband was to pick the girls up every weekend, but that proved too much for his dating life, so it became less and less. He asked to take them on vacation to Ohio to visit with his family and I agreed.

He took them for a week and this is when he met up with Sharon, someone he knew in Jr. high school. They went on a date and the rest was history. He spent the whole week with her and my girls stayed with their grandma Clay. Nice vacation for them, they thought they were spending a week with their dad!! No such luck!

We definitely were not getting back together this time. I thought for moments that we could make it work and then there were times that I knew we couldn't. I was now dating Charlie, my ex-carrier. I thought and felt that we were exclusive, but was I in for the shock of my life! This is where my bitterness came in toward him.

I had talked with his mom on occasion when I called her house to speak with him. She informed me that she was so upset as she was just informed that her son, Charlie and his wife were expecting a baby. They both knocked on her door and when she came to the front door, they both told her. She said she was so mad, as they were separated and he was living with her. He moved back into his place with his wife and that was that. When I did speak with him, he professed his misery and stated to me that he didn't want to stay and that all this was the biggest mistake that could happen. He again, moved out and to his mom's house. We would see each other on occasion and he professed his love to me. He told me that they were continuing with their divorce even though she was pregnant, I believed him. I know it was wrong and if I could ever turn back time, I would. This would have never happened. I can look back now and just cringe. She eventually gave birth to a boy and was planning on raising him by herself. (Mind you, all of this is what I was told, as I never spoke with her directly to get her side of the story.) As a result of our love for each other, I became pregnant also. We were together throughout my pregnancy and I gave birth to our daughter, Michelle Leigh on Sept. 5th, 1986.

We moved into a house in Lakewood and his older son, by a previous marriage, came to live with us. He eventually divorced (finalized it) but nothing was ever right or was it ever, bitter free. She never forgave him and made his life a living hell for as long as she could. We all felt bitter. I felt bitter toward him and her, she felt bitter toward me and him, and he felt bitter toward both of us. I think because he didn't handle the situation properly from the start, we both felt that he wasn't truthful to either one of us. She felt betrayed by him as he was lying to her and I felt betrayed by him as he wasn't truthful to me either.

Here is a picture of him and I with 3 of our 5 kids. Missing was his son Andre' and our daughter, Michelle. We were dropping my two oldest off to their dad in San Francisco.


This was all such a terrible time in all of our lives. If it were to be done all over again, it would've been done very differently.

Bitter wife, bitter ex, bitter life!!

First, I will detail the marriage and why I was so miserable in that marriage. I knew that my husband was VERY dysfunctional when I married him, as was I, thus being the reason I married him. He was an alcoholic, a cigarette smoker, a cheater, a liar, very charismatic and had very low self esteem. All the same characteristics as my father. (why of course, let's pick a man just like him) He was very funny and friendly and was liked by all. People seemed to be drawn to him, as was I!! Lewis L. Norris, Jr, our wedding day, January 6th, 1980.

I was 7 months pregnant and really never thought about getting married, but he came to me one day and said, "we're getting married on Jan. 6th!" Part of me wanted to say, "no, we're not," and part of me was excited to get married. Young and stupid on my part. I was 21 yrs old, getting ready to turn 22. I came from a family where I NEVER had a loving father figure, so this meant that I was wanted and loved for once in my life! Kidding, of course, but that's what it felt like. He showered me with kindness and love. That's one thing he was, was very loving to me. He bought me things all the time and gave me compliments. I never had that, in my whole life! So here I thought, maybe I could overlook the drinking and whatever else I didn't like and didn't care for? Hmmm. Wrong!!

As our marriage progressed, we had our daughter, we bought a house, etc, he would do these few things that I hated. He would tell me, "it's boys weekend out, this weekend!" What? What does that mean? Oh, that meant he and his guy friends would go to Vegas or a weekend fishing trip or something similar. That meant that wives/girlfriends weren't invited to go. I hated that, it didn't feel right, but what could I do?

Me and our first daughter, Melissa Nicole, born Feb. 18th, 1980.

He quit drinking a few times during our marriage but always started up again. I remember he hadn't had any alcohol for over a year and came home from fishing one day and told me that he had some beers. I was devastated and didn't believe him, but it was true. After all, he was a raging alcoholic.

As time went on, I didn't realize what his "incidents" were doing to me and my happiness (or my perceived happiness). I  thought you were to just accept the bad with the good, after all, what else did I know? "Till death do us part?" I was raised around a father that was a raging alcoholic and a wife abuser and stepfather that drank, verbally and emotionally abused my mother, my sister and I and was a child molester. Me and my poor sister were sexually molested by our step father, time and time again! Misery is what we looked for in our relationships!

When I look back now, some 34 years later, I see a confused woman that didn't know her marriage was over emotionally and that the bond between husband and wife had been severed. What would cause our marriage to be severed? Well, let me tell you.....I wasn't aware at the time, but now it is clear.

I was at work one day, we both worked together, in the same office at that time. It was at the USPS and we handled mail, at times. I picked the mail up from our office to go "mail" it. Mailing it there at the USPS, meant walking over to a letter case, and putting the mail in the slots they belonged in. When I was placing one letter into the case, I noticed a letter that was already in the case, but VERY familiar hand writing on it. As I took a closer look, it was my husbands writing. WHAT?? It was addressed to a private address and to a woman named Suzy Boujeau (sp?) What?......I took the letter from the case, which I could have gotten fired for, and I opened it and read it. It changed me and my feelings forever. I couldn't see straight, I felt numb and I felt like passing out. I went home sick.

He called me at home and asked where I went. This led to us separating and almost divorcing.

So....back up a few months prior to this incident. His brother Bill and his wife Claudia came out to visit us. While they were here, we took a trip to Lake Tahoe, CA. I worked Mo-Fr and he worked Tu-Sa. So we were gone for the weekend and I had to fly back Sunday night to go to work on Monday morning. He told me that he would be driving home some time during the day on Monday to be back for work on Tuesday. Monday came and went and he never came home. I tried reaching him, to no avail. I felt that it was safe because he was with his brother and sister-in-law. I really didn't give it much thought at all. They finally came home sometime on Tue, with no explanation, except, they wanted to stay a little longer and gamble.

So, this is where Suzy Boujeau lived, up in Truckee, CA about 17 miles from Lake Tahoe!! That is the address that was on the "letter," Truckee, CA. That is why he didn't come home, he was with her! That is why we took a trip to Lake Tahoe, so he could go see her!! This was all a plan. His visit with her is what prompted the "letter" professing his love to her. "Suzy, I want to be with the woman that I truly love!" is what part of the letter said. My heart was broken. It all made sense of why they took an extra day to get home. I didn't know she lived there until I found the "letter!" I want out! NOW!!!

So we separated for awhile, he got his own place in Long Beach, CA. He was supposed to fly up to see her to see if he wanted to be with her. I didn't talk to him the whole weekend that he was supposed to be up there. He called, he said he didn't go and that he decided that he wanted to make it work between us. Oh, the relief I felt!! He chose me and Melissa! Yippee! Surely that proves his love for me and Melissa. After all, he had a chance to go be with Suzy and he didn't!! (She probably wouldn't leave her husband and here, I was thinking he chose me!) Stupid, stupid me. I should have ran as fast as I could at that point, but I didn't.

We had another daughter, Ashley Danielle on July 3rd, 1983. 

Our marriage quickly started to unravel shortly after the birth of Ashley. This is when he started drinking again, after not drinking for a little over a year. I had decided that I didn't want that kind of a life for my daughters. A miserable life of alcohol and cheating. I checked out.

To be cont......another blog, another time.

How many siblings do I have???

I know for a fact that I have 6 sisters, 3 older and 3 younger. Only 1 has the same mother and father as me. Her name is Diana June and she is 2.5 yrs older than me, born Aug. 24, 1955. I was then born Jan. 12, 1958. Diana is on the left, my mom Kazuko (83 yrs old) in the middle and me on the right. (Mother's Day 2012)

I'd love to post a picture of my two oldest sisters but I don't have any, nor do I know them or have I ever met them. My mom didn't even know there were any other children by my father until after they divorced and she stumbled upon the pictures. That is when my aunt Betty and uncle Jim Cooper (my dad's half brother) told her who they were. Evidently, my dad fathered them with the same female when he was 13 and 14 years old. It was when her parents threatened him, to either marry their daughter or get out of town, that he joined the Army. This was in 1951-1952-ish, when he was 17 or 18. When he joined the Army, his past life just disappeared! (Another post, another time!)

While my dad was married to my mother and living here in the States, and after Diana and I were born, he impregnated a 16 year old child. That was in 1959 and she was born in 1960. Her name is Susan, we called her Suzie.

The lady on the left is Carol Kendall, formerly known as Carol Johnson, the 16 year old child that my dad got pregnant. I am next to her with my babysitter Jane and then my younger half sister Susan. This was my 5th birthday party, so it was 1963 and my sister Susan was 2 1/2 years old. The grey haired man on the far left was known to us as Uncle John and the boy on the far right was a neighbor kid, that lived behind us named Steven.

This is around the time that my father was impregnating, yet another young female. She was a 19 year old named Coreen. Soon after, he and Carol divorced, Carol took Susan and moved away. No one knew where they went and all contact was lost. We missed her and wanted to know her but there was no chance of finding her. All letters went unanswered and were returned to sender. My dad fathered two more daughters with Coreen. I knew them also, Theresa and Tammy. They all moved to Indiana as a family but shortly after their relocation, and after years of alcoholism and abuse, they divorced. We lost contact with them and never saw them again. I don't have any pictures of them and have tried unsuccessfully, over the years, to find them.

These are the siblings that I am aware of. There may, very well be more, but I will never know as any relatives that may have known, are no longer with us. So there you have it, six of us girls that I am aware of and only two that I know and four that I don't.

Here is my half sister Susan in about 1995, me being around 37 and her about 35. She had two children, Gabriel and Hannah, at this point and lived in Vancouver, WA with her husband.

After not knowing our father all of her life, they did reconnect in about 1981. She did get to speak with him, on many occasions before he passed away, although they never did get to meet in person.  This is another story for another time. I am very thrilled to have reconnected with her after a lifetime of wondering about her and missing her. I love you Susan!!!

SECRET REGRET - Sexual Abuse victim

I have many, but my biggest regret is not turning my step dad Benny Allen Kirkland into the Police, for molesting my sister and I for most of our childhood. I am just very thankful that he is dead already, so he cannot harm any other children. Here is the face of a child molester.

This is Jan 1962, which would've made me 4 years old and my sister Diana, 6 1/2 years old. Ben was 23 years old here and what would lie ahead, no one ever knew. 

I Have Hashimoto's Disease!!

I guess knowing  that I have this disease, is not as bad as knowing that I have Cancer or some other life threatening disease. I am grateful for that!

On the other hand, I have always been pretty darn healthy and strong. I have noticed my many ailments for many years now, but assumed it was a natural progression of aging. I know my mother's health history and she is still very healthy at the ripe age of 85. My father's health, well that's a different story. I have no idea what he had, at what age, or even what type of medication he took. He was very abusive to his body and I know a lot of what he suffered from, came from that abuse.

Below is a picture of the thyroid gland.

So where did my Hashimoto's disease come from? It could be hereditary, since I don't know my father's health history, or any family member on his side of the family. Here is a capsulized version of what it is.


DEFINITION:

It's a condition in which your immune system attacks your thyroid, causing Hypothyroidism, which is an underactive thyroid gland.


SYMPTOMS:

• Fatigue and sluggishness
• Increased sensitivity to cold
• Constipation
• Pale, dry skin
• A puffy face
• Hoarse voice
• Unexplained weight gain - occurring infrequently and rarely exceeding 10-20 pounds, most of which is fluid
• Muscle aches, tenderness and stiffness, especially in your shoulders and hips
• Pain and stiffness in your joints and swelling in your knees or the small joints in your hands and feet
• Muscle weakness, especially in your lower extremities
• Excessive or prolonged menstrual bleeding (menorrhagia)
• Depression

CAUSES:

Hashimoto's is an autoimmune disorder, in which your immune system creates antibodies that damage your thyroid gland.

A combination of factor's - including hereditary, sex and age - may determine your likelihood of developing the disorder.


TESTS AND DIAGNOSIS:

• Blood tests to test your hormones
• An antibody test (because it's an autoimmune disorder)

TREATMENTS AND DRUGS:

Synthetic hormones, such as Levothyroxine (Levoxyl, Synthroid, others)

Monitoring the dosage by having repeat appointments with an Endocrinologist and having blood tests.


So there you have it, I am currently on 50 mcg's of Levo-thyroxine, but this is subject to change as my thyroid produces less and less hormones. My Endocrinologist says that my thyroid will eventually stop working altogether. So, now I know why I gained so much weight (for no apparent reason), was tired beyond belief (I could've slept all day long!) and why every muscle in my body aches and are tight all of the time.

I do have symptoms of Fibromyalgia, and have been told that I have it, by my Orthopedic and Rheumatologist doctors. There is no one test that can be given to diagnose it. My Rheumatologist did the 10-12 point pressure test but this is not a diagnostic test. So, in the meantime, until they have a definitive test, I "think" I have it. That is another blog at another time.

SUPPORT your children, no matter what?

Where is the line drawn? Is it endless support, financially and emotionally because they are our children? Do you love them regardless of how they treat you?


I am a very firm believer that blood is NOT thicker than water. I can't and won't let people stay in my life, that suck the life out of me or cause me stress and anxiety, no matter who they are.

Kids are affected by their childhood. They grow up to be a product of their circumstances, unless they choose to make a change for the better. Good or bad, they follow the path that they are used to. They can be happy, well adjusted adults or they can be miserable and blame their childhood and their parents. It's their choice.

As a parent, you try to guide them in the right direction. You do the very best that you can. You lead by example, not by words! You teach them the necessary tools that they need to make it, on their own. You try to balance the good and the bad. But in the end, as adults, they need to take their knowledge and experience to achieve their own happiness. We can't make them happy now! It's now up to them to control their destiny. We can't continue to coddle them as if they are still children, but when we don't, we are blamed for NOT caring, NOT supporting, and to some, that means NOT loving them.

So do you continue to support your children? Or do you change the direction, that you have always followed, so that they can make their decisions to support themselves, mentally, physically, and emotionally? Keep on the same path that they are used to or change the direction, for them to grow into their own selves?

Poor Choices....Part 2

So the dates aren't quite clear, but I think my mother remarried another piece of shit around April 1960 or April 1961. Hardly enough time for her to heal or grow, in between marriages. I understand the feeling of being insecure or even thinking that you can't make it on your own, but...... As I said, first time a mistake, next time a poor choice!

His name was Benny Allen Kirkland (aka Ben Kirkland). He was 10 years younger than my mom and was an acquaintance of my father Fred William Kendall. (aka Bill or Fred Kendall). At first, he seemed to genuinely want to be a family and provide for his "new" family, which consisted of me, my sister Diana and my mom Kay Kirkland. We went on outings to the L.A. Zoo, etc and it seemed that we would have a somewhat normal life. I don't remember too much from back then, as I was only a small toddler, maybe 2-3 yrs old. What I do remember is due to pictures that my mom had taken of us together. Below, I was 4 years old and my sister Diana was 6 1/2 years old. So that would make Ben 22 years old and my mother would've been 32, almost 33.

I think I was around 4 years old, which is my earliest recollection, of anything that was not normal or that made me feel uncomfortable. Ben always liked tickling us and was tickling my mother. She fell backwards and hit her head on our fireplace. She flinched, grabbed her head and almost started to cry. I'll never forget the feeling of helplessness that I felt, to see my mom hurt. He yelled at her for bumping her head and almost crying. I didn't understand why he did that, but as I look back now, he probably didn't want her showing any emotions. I then got mad at him and I got into trouble.

Through my adult years of counseling, my counselor wanted me to think back as far as I could and try to remember, my earliest recollection, of a time that I felt I needed to protect my mother. This time popped into my head quickly. This incident turned into one of the reasons that I was always very protective of her. This has gone on throughout my whole life. I grew into that role, the strong one, the protector, all the while, my own needs and feelings were being tucked away, deep inside for no one to hurt.

Ben was always very strict and was not a fun or nice guy to be around. He wanted things done his way and he was very controlling. He didn't beat us, but he did spank us for ridiculous stuff, stuff that was normal kid stuff.

He was also VERY emotionally and verbally abusive, especially to our mom. Another reason, I grew to be very protective of her. He would yell at us and her all the time. We couldn't do anything right. How she was married to him for 20+ years is beyond me. Even after they separated and divorced, they still saw each other and he stayed with her at times. Another blog and another time for all of this.

So was this still a mistake or by now, a choice? I say choice and a very bad one at that!!

Poor choices

How far do loved ones go in hurting others, in their journey to find happiness? Where is the line drawn? Does it matter?

Our mother crossed the line (in my opinion) to find her happiness or what she thought was her happiness. She chose what she was used to, rather than what was best for her and her children. People make poor choices all the time, but common sense is common sense, no matter what you are used to. Make a mistake the first time, okay it's a mistake. Make the same mistake again, that's not a mistake, that's a choice. Does it matter? Hell yes it does. It's the difference between your children having a happy, successful life OR a life of hate, distrust, pain and misery.

I understand her first choice to marry a young, handsome man serving in the Army. He was stationed in Japan, during the Korean war and immediately swept her off her feet. They met while she worked at the PX. Against my grandparents wishes, she married Fred William Kendall. He left to come back home to the US, while she got things in order to come here to live a happy American life with my dad. So she thought!

She had to take the 2 week boat trip to the US by herself. When she arrived, he was no where to be found. Here she is, in a foreign country, left her family and all of her loved ones, to come here to be with the man of her dreams!! So much for that, this was the first sign that she should have listened to her parents. He didn't have a house, a good paying job, (in fact he had no job at all) or anything that he told her, he had. This was the beginning of a 5 year hell for her and me and my older sister, Diana.

He was a party animal, loved his alcohol and cigarettes!! He was a very popular man, nice looking, knew many Hollywood figures and was a womanizer. He took her to Hollywood parties where they danced the evenings away. They were quite the lookers and she enjoyed all the fun and attention!!

The abuse started shortly after arriving here in the U.S. in 1953. It always revolved around money or the lack of. My sister was born in Aug. 1955 and I, in Jan. 1958. My mother was offered a job as a waitress from a Chinese lady. She had seen her pushing us in a stroller and started asking her questions. Soon, my mother was earning some much needed money for food and rent. As she worked, my father was watching us. When my mother would come home from work, expecting to find him watching us, she would find us with a babysitter. The babysitter would need to be paid, so she paid with her tip money. My father would come home late, drunk and very abusive. He would riffle through the clothes, hanging in the closet to find her tip money. She had hidden this money from him to buy groceries and milk for my sister and I. She would go out to his car and would find empty, used McDonald's wrappers thrown behind the seat. The straw had lipstick on it and she then knew that he was secretly dating someone.

After time had passed, she found out who this "other" woman was. She walked and walked with my sister and myself in the stroller. She stood on a corner and could see the house of his mistress. There was our car, parked out front!! On the corner, there was a phone booth. She called her house and her mother answered. Mrs. Johnson was her name. My mother asked for my father and she calmly said that he wasn't there! My mother could see his car parked out in the front of her house and then she soon saw my father running out of her house to jump in his car to go home.

The mistress........Carol Johnson, now known as Carol McClure was her name, she was 16 and she was pregnant by my father. Is this why Mrs. Johnson was lying for my father? To protect the man of her future grandchild? Yes, my dad was going to father a child with a 16 year old child, although we had no food or money or anything!! My mother shared a Chef Boyardee boxed pizza with her best friend, Pat Guthrie and her two kids. There were 2 adults and 4 children sharing one box of Chef Boyardee pizza. What a piece of shit!! The little tip money that my mother made went to taking Carol to the movies and to McDonald's. Yes he was a womanizer alright! What kind of mother would let her 16 year old daughter sleep with a married man? Better yet, if she didn't know, why would she let her "minor" child date a married man? Trash, I tell you!

Soon after "the" incident, my mother and father divorced. He then married Carol and had to have her mothers consent! You wonder why my mother hadn't divorced him sooner? Japanese did not believe in divorce, it meant you failed in life. That in addition to, her parents trying to dissuade her from marrying him, she couldn't admit her failures. Also, she had no means to support herself and two kids. He had no job and therefore no money to give her for child support. Where to go, what to do, how to survive?

To be continued..........