A Broken Household!

It was the beginning of 1969, when I changed schools again for the second time, in less than two years. It was the middle of 5th grade and now I was attending Crenshaw Elementary School in Torrance. I finished out the 5th grade at that new school. I made new friends and had a very best friend named Lori Thurber. She lived on our street and we spent the night at each others house all the time.

During the summer following 5th grade, something was different and weird in our house. My mom and Ben were not talking to each other and he wasn't there much. He stayed out late and maybe never came home at night or until early morning. When she would cook dinner and serve it to him, without saying a word, he would get up and dump all the food into the trash can. She wouldn't say a word to him. I had no idea what was going on, but it was scary and weird.

Before I knew it, we were moving again, after living there for only about 7 months!! This time with only me, my sister and mom! We moved about 1-2 miles away, still in Torrance, but on 170th street, directly across from Carr Elementary School. This is where I began the 6th grade. We were happy in our new apartment, even though it was only a one bedroom. The room was big enough to fit a full size bed for my mom and two twin beds for me and my sister. No more walking on eggshells, no more arguing, no more sexual molestation by Ben, we were doing good. I was adjusting to my school and meeting new friends, once again. My sister was attending North High school (9th grade) and everything was going smoothly, until we started seeing Ben again. He eventually moved back in and that's when all the shit hit the fan.


The sexual abuse worsened, getting put on restriction by him, his spying, and his strictness and controlling us was insane. This wasn't going to last long, four people living and sleeping in a one bedroom apartment. We lived there for one year, while I attended 6th grade at Carr Elementary. So off we go, moving again. This time to the ghetto, Hawthorne, CA. I started 7th grade at Yukon Intermediate School and the trouble started from there.

Money means more!!

It was 1970 and I was 12 years old. We lived on the 13600 block of Lemoli Ave in Hawthorne, CA.

There was my mom, step dad, (Benny Allen Kirkland) and my sister. We moved here from a one bedroom apartment in Torrance, CA. (To learn why we all lived in a one bedroom apartment, follow this link, "A broken Household" ) to a 3 bedroom court type of house. My sister didn't live there long, as she became pregnant at age 16 and moved away.

Here we were at age 15 and 12. This was just about one year before my sister became pregnant and a little over a year before she got married and left our house.

I suppose the reason my sister got pregnant at such a young age, was to get away from our sexually and emotionally abusive, step dad. We never talked about it, but I figured it out later on in life.

I hated everything about my life. I hated living in the ghetto. I hated the way I looked. I hated living with our step dad. I hated moving again and hated the way I felt around my step dad Ben. It wasn't until this age that I realized what Ben had been doing was wrong and sexual toward me, even though it made me feel uncomfortable and weird. I decided one day to gather up enough courage to tell my mom that he had been making me feel very uncomfortable in sexual ways and that I didn't want him to continue.

I remember walking into the kitchen where she was cooking at the stove. I remember the washing machine was in the kitchen next to the stove. I walked up to the washer and stood next to her. I told her that I wanted to talk to her about something. I said that Ben had been doing things to me that wasn't right and I wanted him to stop. She asked what kind of things. I told her touching me in my crotch. She turned to me and said, "I don't believe you!" This is the exact moment that I know, I lost all trust, what little I ever had, in my mom or anyone. I was lost, numb, hurt, angry and confused. I didn't have anyone on this earth to protect me, but her. My sister was gone, my dad wasn't present in my life, I had no relatives, they were all in Japan. No grandparents, no aunts or uncles, no cousins, no friends, no adult figures that I could turn to for help. I only had my mom and she just turned her back on me. Money meant more to her than protecting me. She didn't want to leave him and have to support me by herself. After all, she had just been out on her own raising two daughters by herself a couple years before this and I guess she didn't like it.

Here is my mother and me just before I decided to tell her about my step dad. I was a strong kid, with strong emotions and a strong personality. I suppose that is why my mother never paid me no mind. It had always been that way all of my life. By her not leaving him to protect me, was kind of the same feelings I had always gotten from her. Me or my feelings didn't mean much!!

SECRET REGRET - Sexual Abuse victim

I have many, but my biggest regret is not turning my step dad Benny Allen Kirkland into the Police, for molesting my sister and I for most of our childhood. I am just very thankful that he is dead already, so he cannot harm any other children. Here is the face of a child molester.

This is Jan 1962, which would've made me 4 years old and my sister Diana, 6 1/2 years old. Ben was 23 years old here and what would lie ahead, no one ever knew. 

Poor Choices....Part 2

So the dates aren't quite clear, but I think my mother remarried another piece of shit around April 1960 or April 1961. Hardly enough time for her to heal or grow, in between marriages. I understand the feeling of being insecure or even thinking that you can't make it on your own, but...... As I said, first time a mistake, next time a poor choice!

His name was Benny Allen Kirkland (aka Ben Kirkland). He was 10 years younger than my mom and was an acquaintance of my father Fred William Kendall. (aka Bill or Fred Kendall). At first, he seemed to genuinely want to be a family and provide for his "new" family, which consisted of me, my sister Diana and my mom Kay Kirkland. We went on outings to the L.A. Zoo, etc and it seemed that we would have a somewhat normal life. I don't remember too much from back then, as I was only a small toddler, maybe 2-3 yrs old. What I do remember is due to pictures that my mom had taken of us together. Below, I was 4 years old and my sister Diana was 6 1/2 years old. So that would make Ben 22 years old and my mother would've been 32, almost 33.

I think I was around 4 years old, which is my earliest recollection, of anything that was not normal or that made me feel uncomfortable. Ben always liked tickling us and was tickling my mother. She fell backwards and hit her head on our fireplace. She flinched, grabbed her head and almost started to cry. I'll never forget the feeling of helplessness that I felt, to see my mom hurt. He yelled at her for bumping her head and almost crying. I didn't understand why he did that, but as I look back now, he probably didn't want her showing any emotions. I then got mad at him and I got into trouble.

Through my adult years of counseling, my counselor wanted me to think back as far as I could and try to remember, my earliest recollection, of a time that I felt I needed to protect my mother. This time popped into my head quickly. This incident turned into one of the reasons that I was always very protective of her. This has gone on throughout my whole life. I grew into that role, the strong one, the protector, all the while, my own needs and feelings were being tucked away, deep inside for no one to hurt.

Ben was always very strict and was not a fun or nice guy to be around. He wanted things done his way and he was very controlling. He didn't beat us, but he did spank us for ridiculous stuff, stuff that was normal kid stuff.

He was also VERY emotionally and verbally abusive, especially to our mom. Another reason, I grew to be very protective of her. He would yell at us and her all the time. We couldn't do anything right. How she was married to him for 20+ years is beyond me. Even after they separated and divorced, they still saw each other and he stayed with her at times. Another blog and another time for all of this.

So was this still a mistake or by now, a choice? I say choice and a very bad one at that!!