Poor Choices....Part 2

So the dates aren't quite clear, but I think my mother remarried another piece of shit around April 1960 or April 1961. Hardly enough time for her to heal or grow, in between marriages. I understand the feeling of being insecure or even thinking that you can't make it on your own, but...... As I said, first time a mistake, next time a poor choice!

His name was Benny Allen Kirkland (aka Ben Kirkland). He was 10 years younger than my mom and was an acquaintance of my father Fred William Kendall. (aka Bill or Fred Kendall). At first, he seemed to genuinely want to be a family and provide for his "new" family, which consisted of me, my sister Diana and my mom Kay Kirkland. We went on outings to the L.A. Zoo, etc and it seemed that we would have a somewhat normal life. I don't remember too much from back then, as I was only a small toddler, maybe 2-3 yrs old. What I do remember is due to pictures that my mom had taken of us together. Below, I was 4 years old and my sister Diana was 6 1/2 years old. So that would make Ben 22 years old and my mother would've been 32, almost 33.

I think I was around 4 years old, which is my earliest recollection, of anything that was not normal or that made me feel uncomfortable. Ben always liked tickling us and was tickling my mother. She fell backwards and hit her head on our fireplace. She flinched, grabbed her head and almost started to cry. I'll never forget the feeling of helplessness that I felt, to see my mom hurt. He yelled at her for bumping her head and almost crying. I didn't understand why he did that, but as I look back now, he probably didn't want her showing any emotions. I then got mad at him and I got into trouble.

Through my adult years of counseling, my counselor wanted me to think back as far as I could and try to remember, my earliest recollection, of a time that I felt I needed to protect my mother. This time popped into my head quickly. This incident turned into one of the reasons that I was always very protective of her. This has gone on throughout my whole life. I grew into that role, the strong one, the protector, all the while, my own needs and feelings were being tucked away, deep inside for no one to hurt.

Ben was always very strict and was not a fun or nice guy to be around. He wanted things done his way and he was very controlling. He didn't beat us, but he did spank us for ridiculous stuff, stuff that was normal kid stuff.

He was also VERY emotionally and verbally abusive, especially to our mom. Another reason, I grew to be very protective of her. He would yell at us and her all the time. We couldn't do anything right. How she was married to him for 20+ years is beyond me. Even after they separated and divorced, they still saw each other and he stayed with her at times. Another blog and another time for all of this.

So was this still a mistake or by now, a choice? I say choice and a very bad one at that!!