Money means more!!

It was 1970 and I was 12 years old. We lived on the 13600 block of Lemoli Ave in Hawthorne, CA.

There was my mom, step dad, (Benny Allen Kirkland) and my sister. We moved here from a one bedroom apartment in Torrance, CA. (To learn why we all lived in a one bedroom apartment, follow this link, "A broken Household" ) to a 3 bedroom court type of house. My sister didn't live there long, as she became pregnant at age 16 and moved away.

Here we were at age 15 and 12. This was just about one year before my sister became pregnant and a little over a year before she got married and left our house.

I suppose the reason my sister got pregnant at such a young age, was to get away from our sexually and emotionally abusive, step dad. We never talked about it, but I figured it out later on in life.

I hated everything about my life. I hated living in the ghetto. I hated the way I looked. I hated living with our step dad. I hated moving again and hated the way I felt around my step dad Ben. It wasn't until this age that I realized what Ben had been doing was wrong and sexual toward me, even though it made me feel uncomfortable and weird. I decided one day to gather up enough courage to tell my mom that he had been making me feel very uncomfortable in sexual ways and that I didn't want him to continue.

I remember walking into the kitchen where she was cooking at the stove. I remember the washing machine was in the kitchen next to the stove. I walked up to the washer and stood next to her. I told her that I wanted to talk to her about something. I said that Ben had been doing things to me that wasn't right and I wanted him to stop. She asked what kind of things. I told her touching me in my crotch. She turned to me and said, "I don't believe you!" This is the exact moment that I know, I lost all trust, what little I ever had, in my mom or anyone. I was lost, numb, hurt, angry and confused. I didn't have anyone on this earth to protect me, but her. My sister was gone, my dad wasn't present in my life, I had no relatives, they were all in Japan. No grandparents, no aunts or uncles, no cousins, no friends, no adult figures that I could turn to for help. I only had my mom and she just turned her back on me. Money meant more to her than protecting me. She didn't want to leave him and have to support me by herself. After all, she had just been out on her own raising two daughters by herself a couple years before this and I guess she didn't like it.

Here is my mother and me just before I decided to tell her about my step dad. I was a strong kid, with strong emotions and a strong personality. I suppose that is why my mother never paid me no mind. It had always been that way all of my life. By her not leaving him to protect me, was kind of the same feelings I had always gotten from her. Me or my feelings didn't mean much!!

Bitter wife, bitter ex, bitter life!!...... Part 2

Back in about 1984, just after our second daughter was born, I was living with my husband, not happily, but married nonetheless. We had, had much trouble in our marriage, (as documented in Part 1) and had been married for about 4 years, with two daughters.

We lived in Lakewood and I became friends with our mail carrier. (I know, I know) He was very nice and we talked almost on a regular basis. I worked hours at work that I would come home around noon, so there was always a chance that I would be home when he delivered our mail. I remember a bitter cold, rainy, stormy day and he was drenched and shivering. I knew he would be soaking wet when he came by and I made him a cup of hot chocolate. When he came, I offered it to him and he gladly accepted. We talked as he stood on the porch, dripping wet and we talked for quite some time. We talked personal stuff as he had been experiencing difficulties in his marriage as well. (at least that's what he told me) As the days went on, we talked. We exchanged phone numbers as offerings of communication, when we were going through difficult times with our spouses. His wife found my number on a piece of paper and called my husband. She asked him if he knew that I was having an affair behind his back, etc. etc. We really weren't, but that's what she told him. He confronted me and I tried to explain that it was a friendship, but he didn't buy it. Well, at least he said that he didn't. This started the bitterness between me and my carriers wife. Her because she thought we were having an affair and me because she called my husband to tell him about what, she thought was going on.

We remained friends and talked each other through hard times, fighting, drinking, etc. He eventually told me that he left his wife and moved into his moms house. She lived nearby and had extra rooms, as she lived alone. He lived in a room in the back of her house. We continued to talk and the bitterness between my husband and I grew. Every time I went to the store or anywhere, he would question me. I was not having an affair!! Lew called the broker/real estate man that sold us our house and told him that we didn't want it anymore and couldn't keep it. We owed way more for it, than it was worth. He told him that if he didn't take it back, that we were going to walk away from it, so all papers were signed for him to take over the house. (lucky us) We decided to separate and I moved and got an apartment with my two girls in Huntington Beach, CA.

As I lived in Huntington Beach, CA with my two daughters, Lew would visit and we would go out, occasionally. I guess you could say, we were seeing if things would or could still work out between us. He started dating (openly) a few different women from our work. (trashy, I may add) In the meantime, I was also talking to my ex-mail carrier, as he was separated from his wife and getting a divorce. (so he told me) As my husband was deciding that he didn't want to try and reconcile, I too was deciding that I felt more for my friend/mail carrier than I had thought. My husband filed for divorce from me and we decided amicably, all the details of our divorce. My husband was to pick the girls up every weekend, but that proved too much for his dating life, so it became less and less. He asked to take them on vacation to Ohio to visit with his family and I agreed.

He took them for a week and this is when he met up with Sharon, someone he knew in Jr. high school. They went on a date and the rest was history. He spent the whole week with her and my girls stayed with their grandma Clay. Nice vacation for them, they thought they were spending a week with their dad!! No such luck!

We definitely were not getting back together this time. I thought for moments that we could make it work and then there were times that I knew we couldn't. I was now dating Charlie, my ex-carrier. I thought and felt that we were exclusive, but was I in for the shock of my life! This is where my bitterness came in toward him.

I had talked with his mom on occasion when I called her house to speak with him. She informed me that she was so upset as she was just informed that her son, Charlie and his wife were expecting a baby. They both knocked on her door and when she came to the front door, they both told her. She said she was so mad, as they were separated and he was living with her. He moved back into his place with his wife and that was that. When I did speak with him, he professed his misery and stated to me that he didn't want to stay and that all this was the biggest mistake that could happen. He again, moved out and to his mom's house. We would see each other on occasion and he professed his love to me. He told me that they were continuing with their divorce even though she was pregnant, I believed him. I know it was wrong and if I could ever turn back time, I would. This would have never happened. I can look back now and just cringe. She eventually gave birth to a boy and was planning on raising him by herself. (Mind you, all of this is what I was told, as I never spoke with her directly to get her side of the story.) As a result of our love for each other, I became pregnant also. We were together throughout my pregnancy and I gave birth to our daughter, Michelle Leigh on Sept. 5th, 1986.

We moved into a house in Lakewood and his older son, by a previous marriage, came to live with us. He eventually divorced (finalized it) but nothing was ever right or was it ever, bitter free. She never forgave him and made his life a living hell for as long as she could. We all felt bitter. I felt bitter toward him and her, she felt bitter toward me and him, and he felt bitter toward both of us. I think because he didn't handle the situation properly from the start, we both felt that he wasn't truthful to either one of us. She felt betrayed by him as he was lying to her and I felt betrayed by him as he wasn't truthful to me either.

Here is a picture of him and I with 3 of our 5 kids. Missing was his son Andre' and our daughter, Michelle. We were dropping my two oldest off to their dad in San Francisco.


This was all such a terrible time in all of our lives. If it were to be done all over again, it would've been done very differently.

Bitter wife, bitter ex, bitter life!!

First, I will detail the marriage and why I was so miserable in that marriage. I knew that my husband was VERY dysfunctional when I married him, as was I, thus being the reason I married him. He was an alcoholic, a cigarette smoker, a cheater, a liar, very charismatic and had very low self esteem. All the same characteristics as my father. (why of course, let's pick a man just like him) He was very funny and friendly and was liked by all. People seemed to be drawn to him, as was I!! Lewis L. Norris, Jr, our wedding day, January 6th, 1980.

I was 7 months pregnant and really never thought about getting married, but he came to me one day and said, "we're getting married on Jan. 6th!" Part of me wanted to say, "no, we're not," and part of me was excited to get married. Young and stupid on my part. I was 21 yrs old, getting ready to turn 22. I came from a family where I NEVER had a loving father figure, so this meant that I was wanted and loved for once in my life! Kidding, of course, but that's what it felt like. He showered me with kindness and love. That's one thing he was, was very loving to me. He bought me things all the time and gave me compliments. I never had that, in my whole life! So here I thought, maybe I could overlook the drinking and whatever else I didn't like and didn't care for? Hmmm. Wrong!!

As our marriage progressed, we had our daughter, we bought a house, etc, he would do these few things that I hated. He would tell me, "it's boys weekend out, this weekend!" What? What does that mean? Oh, that meant he and his guy friends would go to Vegas or a weekend fishing trip or something similar. That meant that wives/girlfriends weren't invited to go. I hated that, it didn't feel right, but what could I do?

Me and our first daughter, Melissa Nicole, born Feb. 18th, 1980.

He quit drinking a few times during our marriage but always started up again. I remember he hadn't had any alcohol for over a year and came home from fishing one day and told me that he had some beers. I was devastated and didn't believe him, but it was true. After all, he was a raging alcoholic.

As time went on, I didn't realize what his "incidents" were doing to me and my happiness (or my perceived happiness). I  thought you were to just accept the bad with the good, after all, what else did I know? "Till death do us part?" I was raised around a father that was a raging alcoholic and a wife abuser and stepfather that drank, verbally and emotionally abused my mother, my sister and I and was a child molester. Me and my poor sister were sexually molested by our step father, time and time again! Misery is what we looked for in our relationships!

When I look back now, some 34 years later, I see a confused woman that didn't know her marriage was over emotionally and that the bond between husband and wife had been severed. What would cause our marriage to be severed? Well, let me tell you.....I wasn't aware at the time, but now it is clear.

I was at work one day, we both worked together, in the same office at that time. It was at the USPS and we handled mail, at times. I picked the mail up from our office to go "mail" it. Mailing it there at the USPS, meant walking over to a letter case, and putting the mail in the slots they belonged in. When I was placing one letter into the case, I noticed a letter that was already in the case, but VERY familiar hand writing on it. As I took a closer look, it was my husbands writing. WHAT?? It was addressed to a private address and to a woman named Suzy Boujeau (sp?) What?......I took the letter from the case, which I could have gotten fired for, and I opened it and read it. It changed me and my feelings forever. I couldn't see straight, I felt numb and I felt like passing out. I went home sick.

He called me at home and asked where I went. This led to us separating and almost divorcing.

So....back up a few months prior to this incident. His brother Bill and his wife Claudia came out to visit us. While they were here, we took a trip to Lake Tahoe, CA. I worked Mo-Fr and he worked Tu-Sa. So we were gone for the weekend and I had to fly back Sunday night to go to work on Monday morning. He told me that he would be driving home some time during the day on Monday to be back for work on Tuesday. Monday came and went and he never came home. I tried reaching him, to no avail. I felt that it was safe because he was with his brother and sister-in-law. I really didn't give it much thought at all. They finally came home sometime on Tue, with no explanation, except, they wanted to stay a little longer and gamble.

So, this is where Suzy Boujeau lived, up in Truckee, CA about 17 miles from Lake Tahoe!! That is the address that was on the "letter," Truckee, CA. That is why he didn't come home, he was with her! That is why we took a trip to Lake Tahoe, so he could go see her!! This was all a plan. His visit with her is what prompted the "letter" professing his love to her. "Suzy, I want to be with the woman that I truly love!" is what part of the letter said. My heart was broken. It all made sense of why they took an extra day to get home. I didn't know she lived there until I found the "letter!" I want out! NOW!!!

So we separated for awhile, he got his own place in Long Beach, CA. He was supposed to fly up to see her to see if he wanted to be with her. I didn't talk to him the whole weekend that he was supposed to be up there. He called, he said he didn't go and that he decided that he wanted to make it work between us. Oh, the relief I felt!! He chose me and Melissa! Yippee! Surely that proves his love for me and Melissa. After all, he had a chance to go be with Suzy and he didn't!! (She probably wouldn't leave her husband and here, I was thinking he chose me!) Stupid, stupid me. I should have ran as fast as I could at that point, but I didn't.

We had another daughter, Ashley Danielle on July 3rd, 1983. 

Our marriage quickly started to unravel shortly after the birth of Ashley. This is when he started drinking again, after not drinking for a little over a year. I had decided that I didn't want that kind of a life for my daughters. A miserable life of alcohol and cheating. I checked out.

To be cont......another blog, another time.

Happy birthday Patrick!!

64 years ago, on September 22, 1950, the love of my life was born! Although his childhood sucked, it is what brought us together, as I had a childhood that sucked also! I am so grateful to have met and fallen in love with such a caring, kind, compassionate, smart, funny, determined, handsome and loving man. I am grateful for all of our travels and that I was able to retire at such an early age to enjoy our time together. (Thank you for that!) Here's to many, many more years of traveling and enjoying each other!! I love you!! <3

Our granddaughter, Taylor Kay 9-12-02

On September 12th, 2002, our Taylor Kay came into this world. She was born at Hoag Hospital in Newport Beach, CA. She was so perfect and tiny at 5 lbs 7 ozs and 19 inches long.

Who would have ever known that this girl would steal the hearts of our family, the way that she did. Grammy would come over every morning (she lived in the back of us) and would peek through the window to see if Taylor was up yet. She would ask, "Tayduh wake?" If she was awake, she'd come in a take her to her house and feed her breakfast.

Such a sweet, happy girl!!

How could this girl not steal your heart?!?! My pumpkin!!

Getting her ears pierced. She wasn't very happy!!

A sleep over!!

AT-TI-TUDE!!

Our tradition of carving pumpkins every year!!

A very capsulized view of Tay's 12 years of life. (we have thousands of pictures) This was the first day of 7th grade and her second year in Middle School. Where has the time gone? I am looking forward to the years ahead of watching her grow into the beautiful, young lady that she is becoming!! Love you my girl and am so proud of you!! Love you, Nana <3

Heartbreaking and yet joyful pregnancy, my oldest granddaughter, Taylor.

What started out to be a negative, heart breaking situation, turned into a heart warming and greatest pleasure for the entire family.

Our middle daughter Ashley became pregnant at the age of 18 years old. We were all devastated that she allowed this to happen. Most of all, I felt that I had failed as a single parent. What did I do along the way that caused her to feel that she needed this to happen? Was it a mistake or was it done on purpose?

We went through all of the emotions, anger, sadness, hurt, confusion, devastation, etc. We finally accepted the fact that she wasn't going to change her mind about having this child, so we accepted it and moved on, quickly.

On Sept. 12th, 2002, this little baby was born that was the most perfect little baby I had ever seen. Her skin color was good, she had a full head of dark hair, her head was the most perfect shape head I had ever seen on a baby, and she was good. Taylor Kay is what they named her (Kay, after my middle name) and she was a mere 5 lbs.

Here she is at a few days old. When Ashley came home from the hospital, she became very sick and had a fever. She really couldn't care for Taylor, as she was weak and dizzy. After being at home for a couple of days, she had a fever of 105 and needed to go to the ER immediately.

That morning was a whirlwind of events and it is a day we will never forget. Pat was taking Michelle to school and they were involved in a pretty bad accident. I received a call from Michelle informing me that they had an accident, where it was and to bring Pat's wallet. I rushed to the scene and climbed in the back seat. Threw his wallet on the floor and pretended to find it there, as people were gathered around and he needed his ID for the Sheriff and the ambulance. Pat was very disoriented and never got out of the car. They transported him to the ER at Los Alamitos Regional Medical Center in Los Al. Michelle seemed to be well enough not to be transported by ambulance so she came home with me.

After arriving home, Ashley informed me that she was told to go to the ER immediately by her OB Dr. So here I was, a daughter that needed immediate medical attention after just giving birth to my granddaughter, a boyfriend that was on his way to the ER, via ambulance and a newborn baby in my hands. I asked my mother if she could drive Ashley to the ER in Newport Beach, as that is where Taylor was born and that is where Ashley's Dr. worked.

As they left to go to Hoag Hospital ER in Newport Beach, I was leaving to go to Los Alamitos R.M.C. ER in Los Alamitos, with newborn baby in tow!! Pat had a concussion and was still delirious. He missed a week of work but perfect timing because me and him had to watch Taylor for a whole week, while Ashley was in the hospital.

Ashley was so sick and  they couldn't break her high fever. They had her on IVs, liquids, an ice blanket and it still stayed high. I felt so bad for her and didn't know what to do. I snuck Taylor into her room so that she could see her, since she hadn't seen her since she was practically born.

Pat and I watched Taylor for a whole week, he took the day shift and I took the night shift. It was a week we will never forget and this is probably why we have such a special bond that will never be broken.

VEGAN....or not VEGAN!!

People are crazy on Facebook. There is so much friending, unfriending, bashing, fighting, blocking and unblocking!! It's crazy and it all has to do with differences of opinions. Everyone thinks they are right and the other person is wrong.

I have been clearing out my friends list. Why you ask? There are people that are on my friends list, that aren't really my "friends." They are acquaintances or they like things in common with me or they're someone I knew, long ago. So many times the people we once knew, are no longer the same people today. It can also be that I have changed so much from my younger days, that they no longer fit my taste or likings as "friends."

A little over 4 years ago, I transported a little dog for a lady and she helped me get to a hospital after I got bit by another dog. She asked me to be her "admin" for her rescue. I declined, since she lived so far away (up near Santa Barbara, CA) and I didn't know what all it entailed.

She is Vegan. I have nothing against vegan people, more power to them, if that's how they want to live and eat. I don't bash them, try to argue with them on why they won't eat meat, or try to convince them that they should eat meat or dairy, etc. Not my circus, not my monkeys.

All this lady did was post about eating animals and how horrible and how ignorant people were that did. I didn't have a problem with her multiple postings about veganism. What I did have a problem with, was how she started calling people names who weren't vegan. She would post horrific pictures of dead animals or animals being tortured and follow it up with "is this what you are guilty of, you hypocrite?" There were more names she would call people and I didn't feel that I had to put up with her or her personal bashing's. I'm not guilty of anything and that's my opinion. Have your own opinion but don't push me away in the other direction, by trying to shove something down my throat. That doesn't work, just like trying to shove Religion down my throat. It just makes me steer clear of it even more!! I'm not opposed to turning vegan, but in my own time. Then it will be my circus, and my monkeys!!